I took Friday off from work to spend the morning in Super Boy's kindergarten class. It was Polar Express Day. The kids came to school in their PJ's and began a day of hot chocolate, crafts and a visit from Santa. Very early, the cell phones, including mine, had began to buzz. The news came fast and furious, and for a parent sitting in her child's kindergarten class, it wasn't good.
The news of a shooting at an elementary school in Newtown, CT was horrifying. Mass shootings are never easy to hear about, but an elementary school? These were children! Twenty little 6 and 7 year olds, who, along with six of their teachers, were doing the most innocent of all activities. Going about their day, they had no idea until it was too late.
As I sat in my child's classroom, I put on a good face. Some of the other mothers were visibly upset, but I should be good at dealing with this stuff, right? I am a professional. But there I was, an hour later, on my couch, in tears. My heart was breaking for the 26 families who were being told that their loved ones would not be coming home.
I can only hope and pray that this event stirs some movement in our collective consciousness. Something will pull us to stand up and tell the world that we will not stand for such events. Across our nation, the lives of these children has to mean something. Some meaningful action has to come from this, but that isn't the point of this post.
In the coming days, we will be fed a lot of information, some will be true and some will be false. If history is any indicator, there will be a lot of questions left with very few answers. We may never know why this happened. In all honesty, do we really need to?
27 families will still be broken beyond repair, 20 children will never leave the first grade, and 7 women will never enjoy another day. The knowing wont change that. It will be left to all of us to find some personal meaning in this. On Friday night, my son climbed into my bed and fell asleep. As I kissed the top of his head, I grieved for those parents who will never do that again. For them, I will be thankful for everyday I am given. That, along with our thoughts and prayers, maybe the best gift of all.
Working any type of emergency response job means holding it together when others cannot. It means compartmentalizing, not desensitizing. You dealt with this in the best way you could - you kept a brave face for the kids you were with, then you allowed yourself tears for those families in private and reminded yourself of all the things you have to be grateful for. That is far healthier than what I know some people do - keeping it all inside and pretending like it doesn't impact them leads down much darker roads. We must allow ourselves to be human, THAT is what makes you so good at your job and life, in general.
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